Today I met with Simon for what could turn out to be our last tutorial. Here was some the advice he gave me on things to work on.
- It starts by being odd.
- His job role still doesn’t make much sense/isn't believable.
- It's still not clear on why Elliott is being watched.
- Tom and Vince, are they necessary to the story?
- Use cause and effect appropriately.
I felt slightly embarrassed that some of this advice could have been more easily avoided than was particularly necessary. My main problem seems to be that I go into far more detail than is necessary. This can lead to me writing in descriptive material for my scripts about certain characters or settings that audiences wouldn't be able to understand unless they could read the actual descriptions.
Here are some examples:
Episode 1:
“He also has bouts of depression but despite everything he is a happy go lucky guy with a self-deprecating sense of humour.” This example doesn’t work because it is not something that can come across on the screen.
Episode 2:
“ELLIOTT seems interested in the story, maybe he wants to go and see if anyone nearby are in need of job applicants?”
“ELLIOTT is convinced it could go up in flames any second.”
“Although he is not very unique looking, the way he carries himself and his mannerisms make him stand out.”
“ELLIOTT is suspected of setting the fire himself as a publicity stunt, but the bystander’s obvious awe of ELLIOTT’s premonition as well as his cameo on the news clear him of any charges.”
“He also has an East End accent. He has a short temper, and an even shorter IQ. Because the setting is getting later, they are still shrouded in darkness.”
“But now ELLIOTT suddenly has a premonition as to the quality of the food.”
Episode 4:
we notice that the building is in fact large, dark grey and art-deco looking but otherwise quite normal from the outside.
I have removed all elements of these type of descriptions from my scripts and treatments. This has been the main thing that i've learned from these feedback lessons. This was so blindingly obvious yet somehow that fact that these descriptions wouldn't make sense on screen didn't seem to occur to me. This has led to me going back and fact checking everything that I have written to make sure it will all be understandable for the viewer.